Who Asked Me?

“I can hear the fireworks / up-and-down the San-fran-cis-co bay” – Van Morrison

Approaching another birthday and getting old. I never seem to “become old” but instead am always getting there. It’s like one last thing to aspire to before dying in failure. Bob Dylan has this line “I’m gettin’ old ; anything can happen now to anyone.” And he’s right. If you go they go, too. Also, the older you get the less you have to lose (time-wise, anyway.) I suppose you lose a whole life accumulated to that moment, but only in that moment and then you’re gone. Losing one’s keys or wallet is a far greater tragedy.

I’ve been dreaming about New York City lately, every night. I went through a period like this about fifteen years ago, before moving back the second time. The dreams are intense and keep coming. New York enters one’s subconscious when energy is low and you feel like you’ve been left behind. Its idea is like a shot of psychic energy filled with possibility and confusion. In one of my dreams last night I’m in a bar and an ‘older’ woman (in my dreams I’m always younger) references my being gay and I tell her “yeah, I’ve got that whole ‘Midnight Cowboy’ thing going on.” Then I’m in another bar with a friend but there’s a waiting list and I overhear a group of young white people saying “Rupert’s kids were here last night.” I’m trying to get my slippers on and noticing that there’s sawdust on the floor and the place only serves beer.

I’m taking care of my friend’s fish. His name is ‘Ralphie’ and she left him with me before going back to New York herself. I’m that guy now, the one who people leave their pets with. A pillar of stable immobility. My brother has gotten in the habit of leaving his dog with me, the one he got for his kids before they left him for college. She’s a good dog and a real chick-magnet (lot of good that does me with this Midnight Cowboy thing going on) but I think I take the task a bit too seriously. Same with the fish. I noticed that he was lethargic shortly after he was put in my charge. He didn’t have the nicest of tanks. It was a dingy little number with some glass rocks at the bottom and he’d taken to hiding in between a couple of the bigger ones. So I bought him a new aquarium, a fancier getup with a real filtration system and everything. Now he’s darting around like a fish reborn and I’m dreaming of New York City.